Thursday, June 1, 2017

Home Ownership and Stay-At-Home-Dad

Wow, is this different.

Being a stay-at-home-dad is a special experience. As a new homeowner it goes to an entirely different level. As a home dad in an apartment, I had to make sure the kid was fed, and couldn't find a way to kill himself in a two bedroom apartment. In a new house, we, he, and the stupid-ass dog have a lot more ways to "fuck shit up".

1. We had to flip, and replace some doorknobs. We had to put chains and clamps on the doors, cupboards, and fridge. We got a home security system. Part of it was to keep people out, most was to keep the child and dog in.

2. It's like a Stepford Wives community the way they care for their lawns. Mowing, edging, and watering at least twice per week. This week neighbor said, "Don't worry. The patches where you planted seed will grow in. And te you did a good job trimming the bushees with shears." (We haven't gotten an electric hedge clipper yet.)

3. When the toddler and puppy get too quiet, I have to check 3 floors, 2 yards and a garage to see what the hell damage they might be doing.

4. I hate people and now have to get used to new people, neighbors.

5. Kid doesn't want to sleep in his bed anymore.

6. Kid and dog no longer know how to piss or shit where they're supposed to.

7. Every solicitor comes here first, because they know we are the new homeowners.

8. 80% of our neighbors are asshats.

9. Kate's commute is over an hour.

10. 5 blocks from the airport.

Now the best parts of being a new homeowner.

1. 5 blocks from the airport.

2. Almost all of our neighbors are cops, firefighters, and teachers.

3. The lawns are immaculate.

4. Lots more space to ignore, and be ignored by a toddler.

5. Friends and family are more willing to visit.

6. More space if we ever want to have people over.

7. More tv's.

8. No one has been shot lately in this neighborhood.

9. Laundry.

10. I feel like a grown-up.

These aren't the only positives or negatives of owning our new home. Just the first that popped into my head. Maybe I'll think of more, but I haven't posted in a long time. Maybe this will help me to write more often and more eloquently. Maybe not.

Until the future,
JJ

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Obama Farewell Address

I honestly didn't want to write about POTUS farewell address. Everything about our country's recent election has been so polarizing and divisive. I'm a registered Republican, that only voted in the primaries. I voted for Bernie. Trump was never gonna win IL, so I voted for the least of all presidential evils.

That being said, there was far too much entertaining journalistic value during Obama's farewell speech. Obama is such an amazing orator, and our country's political situation is so screwed, that I couldn't help but grab my journal and start scribbling my thoughts down.

1. The audience immediately started chanting "FOUR MORE YEARS!" Obama responded immediately, "I can't do that." My wife laughed and said, "Besides it being illegal/unconstitutional, Michelle Obama would probably kill him if he had a third term."?

2. Following up on my first thought. I didn't vote for Obama four years ago. I'd give him a third term over the clowns we had to choose between. Thanks, FDR and the constitution for term limits.

3. Obama mentioned that our country's forefather's vision was for a tolerant, equitable nation for all people. Maybe his speech writer forgot that black people were only legally 3/5ths of a person, and most of the 'forefathers' were slave owners.

4. I'm pretty sure that Obama almost quoted Sarek of Vulcan, Spock's father from Star Trek. "Challenge your preconceptions, or they will challenge you."

5. I believe that Joe Biden is a cartoon character. 'Family Guy' or 'The Simpsons' would be most appropriate.

6. Barack said the he isn't going anywhere in support of our country, now as a citizen. My bet is that he, (and the American people), know that Trump needs all the help he can get from someone actually qualified to do the job.

7. Remember that moment during the address when POTUS made fun of a special needs reporter, called Mexicans rapist job stealers, and all people of middle eastern decent terrorists? If you don't, that's because he didn't. We can just leave that for our president elect.

8. Muslim American???!!! I'd expect more from Obama. There's no such damned thing! Islam is a religion. No one has ever called me Catholic-American. I've never heard of a Buddhist-American, Christian-American, Jewish-American, Scientologist-American, Jedi-American, Hindu-American, or Pagan-American. I've been called African-American and I've never seen or been to Africa. Our heritage or religion does not determine how 'American' we may or may not be. Holy shit, Trump supporters are turning me liberal.

8. Last point. Sean Hannity had a pre-recorded "response" to Barack Obama's 'Farewell Address'. Ok.Sure. But you can't actually "respond" to a live address, in a pre-recorded video BEFORE it was broadcast. I have  the 'Back to the Future' box set on dvd, I'd know.

As always, thank you for reading.

Salaam,
-J

Friday, January 6, 2017

Shit Dads Say

I never thought I'd be a stay at home dad, let alone a stay at home dad that Mommy could say something like, "Do you want me to get your father involved?" And the boy hides. And yet, I find myself saying all kind of cliché, sitcom phrases. When I was around 8, I told my dad I hated him. He laughed at me. Now, I'd like to share some of the hilarious things that shoot out of my stupid mouth, towards my son, wife, dog, and random others. I laughed a lot as I wrote in my journal.

At my Dog,
-I swear to God, I'll put you on Ebay if you don't stop it.
-Why don't you go get a damn job? Sniff for drugs at the airport. Lead a blind man. Join the K9 unit.
-You know, they shot 'Old Yeller' at the end, right?
-Stop barking. No one likes you.

At my son,
-Pull up your pants. This is not a rap video.
-No. Mommy quit. You're under my jurisdiction now.
-"THAT'S MINE!" Nope. Mom and I own everything. You have NOTHING.
-You can eat what I gave you, or starve. I don't really care right now.
-Cry all you want. I'm immune.
-Cry all you want, all I hear is "I need a nap".
-Keep messing with the dog. Don't come crying to me when she bites you.

At my wife,
-Sorry, babe. I was joking, you just don't have a sense of humor.
-Wife asked me for a tissue. I tossed her a used tissue from my pocket. I laughed hysterically. She didn't laugh.

I also have a list of things I say to a combination of people, and some things I say under my breath.

At my wife, son, and dog,
-If I have to stand up right now, NO ONE WILL BE HAPPY.

-Children are a gift from God, my ass! (My Dad always says children are a gift from God.)
-I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.
-Have you lost your damned mind?

Lastly, a phrase I use regarding my wife, my son, my dog, and Donald Trump.
"Repeating yourself over, and over, and over again will not make your statements true."

Good luck, my friends. My 2017 be less crappy than 2016. Alpha Mike Foxtrot.

Bathroom Cleaning

Thanks for welcoming the future, and remembering the past.

When I was growing up, me, my sister, and my brother had specific weekly chores. These were in addition to whatever we were also told to do. My sis had to dust and vacuum. I don't remember what my brother was in charge of. Part of me thinks he never did anything. He either was/is so stupid he couldn't be trusted to do anything, or he was/is an evil genius and figured out how to make it seem like he did something that he didn't. Jury isn't out on it yet. My weekly chore was to clean the bathrooms.

I know how to clean a bathroom. When I do it, I do it well, and beyond reproach. You could eat off the floor if it weren't for the cleaning chemicals. But bathroom cleaning has changed. Now, I'm a married man, with a three year old, and puppy. The reasons why I hate cleaning the bathroom are many.

1) We have a three year old son.
-It always smells like shit. Poopy pull-up diapers, soiled pants, shit accidentally spilled out of his pull-up, and a toddler trying to clean his training potty in the sink means you always have to worry about eye bleeding, vomit inducing smells that never should exist.
-You could break your neck stepping on a bath toy. The days of taking a piss in the middle of the night are over. Have to be clear eyed to navigate darkness without breaking your neck on 'Lightening McQueen'.
-Random and absurd messes. Yesterday I cleaned finger paint off the door and sink. After every bath there is bath crayon everywhere.
-My razor is in the sink. I don't know how but it's there.
-An entire roll of toilet paper has clogged the toilet. Again, don't know how, or why.

2) I live with a woman.
-How are they not bald with the amount of hair that ends up in the tub, drain, sink and on the walls?
-Why do splashes of makeup end up in every room of the house? Choose a room, and take care of you business there.
-There's a glass in the medicine cabinet for hair pins. Why do I find pins on the floor, in my slippers, on the porch and in the car?

3)Puppy
-Shred paper like it's your job, it's your food, or the antidote is in it.
-Sniff out poop and try to eat it. I actually fell out of bed the other night because I had a dream she jumped into the toilet to eat poop.
-Stupid dog can't figure out if I'm cleaning, pooping, or getting ready to give her a bath. She just dances back and forth, in and out of the bathroom. If I'm cleaning she's not interested. If there's defecation she wants to watch, like a creep. If it's time for a bath, she hides.

So, needless to say, cleaning the bathroom is no longer something I find a quick and easy chore. I'd almost prefer shoveling snow. Almost.

Thanks for reading a rant. I'll talk to you soon. Maybe after I buy a house and shotgun.

-J