If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor

I never wanted to be an actor. In junior high school, and high school, you could most expediently find me on the basketball court, tennis court, the weight room, or the track. I actually thought that my 5'6", 130 lbs, black ass could play any professional sport. Obviously, I was delusional. After reality caught up with my athletic ambition I went back to the arts, joining show choir, theatre, and other artsy-fartsy stuff that would never earn a paycheck. That's when I remembered that English, Spanish, and Physics were the only classes I ever enjoyed. (I should have been a writer on Star Trek.)

So in college, I decided I wanted to be a writer. Clearly, I meant, "I like writing, I'm going into the service industry." I'm an unemployed bartender now. But I like to write fiction in my head, for instance, "If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor". So, since barely anyone is gonna read this anyway, and a good friend, chasing his dream, is in town from California, I thought I'd share my thoughts on "If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor". Keep in mind, I'd rather be a writer than an actor, and I have no desire to be an actor. But, if I did, the following are 13 famous roles that would be absolutely perfect for me.

In no particular order:

-Jules Winnfield 

An angry, cursing, black dude? I can do that. "Say 'What' again, motherfucker."

-Willy Wonka

The Gene Wilder version, not the Depp version. The somersault at the the beginning, and the rant about Charlie cheating at the end. Both are very me.

-Daddy Warbucks

Long before the black version of Annie, I think I'd have given Jamie Foxx a run for his money. (I'm very arrogant.)

-Morpheus

Easy peasy. Hands behind my back, and use a deep version of my voice.

-Marty McFly

Skateboarding, wannabe rockstar. The only hard part would be re-casting every other character so that there are more black people. Or any black people (besides Mayor Wilson).

-Burton Guster

"Gus" from Psych had zero tolerance for white people nonsense. I could play that role by accident.

-Ironman

"Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist." All I need is more smarts, more money, more money, and more money.

-Chandler

A sarcastic, asshole. I can do that.

-Doc Holliday
Drink first, smart-ass comment second, fastest pistol in the west third. Sounds like me, if I had a gun.

-Dre Johnson

I have to remind some of my friends that I'm Black and Puerto Rican. No joke, one of my closest friends through jr. high and high school thought I was Mexican until college.

-The Scarecrow

I'd never be as good as Michael Jackson in 'TheWiz', but I bet my "If I Only Had a Brain" would merit a high school TONY award.

-Vizzini
My favorite movie, and the most obnoxious character ever. My wife can attest to this one.

-Henry Hill
Goodfellas, "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster." Thankfully, I know I'm not as smart as I think I am, and I'm not as stupid as Henry.

Honorable mention,
-Fred Sanford
Zero chill, zero filter, and prone to exaggeration.

What do you think? Can you think of any other characters I could portray? Comment below or text me.

Thanks for reading, and "If it wasn't for the Bronx this rap shit never would be going on."

-J

Top 10 Albums of All Time

A long-time, sometimes, friend of mine sent me one of those challenges on Facebook. Share your top ten favorite albums of all time in any order, post a picture, explain nothing, and tag ten friends. Well, I don't always follow directions the first time they are given, so...

1. If the Big Ten college conference can be comprised of 14 schools, my top ten can have 14 albums in it. 

2. I'll post as many pictures as I feel. As I write this, it could be none, and it could be 20. I might throw some pictures in that have nothing to do with anything.

3.I'm going to explain all of the albums right now, and maybe some individually. These are the first albums that popped into my head. I won't say that they are amazing pieces of art, but each one means something very important to me. Maybe it defined a specific time of my life. Maybe it shaped the way I think of music. Maybe I once traveled back in time and got to see this album being recorded, or concert performed. Whatever it meant to me, it meant to me. I can change this list at any time, but this is what popped into my head, at one moment in time.

4. Easter Eggs - "Easter Eggs" are a film reference, where the producer slips in tiny references to other things he likes for the audience to notice, or not notice. I may do that. Or not do that.

5. Piss off if you don't like the order.

6. I'm not tagging 10 friends. Or 14. For me and most of the friends I'd tag, this would cause a major source of anxiety. Proof of this, I'm writing at almost one o'clock in the morning.

1. The Foo Fighters- Skin and Bones

One of the best live albums of all time.

2. Tupac- All Eyez on Me

3. Dave Matthews Band- Busted Stuff

4. Dave Matthews Band- Crash

5. Weezer-

6. DC Talk- Jesus Freak

7. Huey Lewis & The News Greatest Hits

You're gonna have to go back to the 80's for this one...

8. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Greatest Hits

9. Jimi Hendrix- Band of Gypsies

10. Norah Jones- Come Away With Me

11. The Killers- Hot Fuss

12. Jay-Z

13. Dashboard Confessional

14. Jay-Z and Linkin Park- Collision Course

My vinyl copy, thanks to my baby brother.

14. Rage Against the Machine- The Battle of Los Angeles

15. Michael Jackson- HIStory 

#GOAT

Now, I'm not saying that these are the greatest albums of all time. I'm not saying that if you don't agree you have crappy taste in music, and are probably stupid. I'm not saying you belong in music hell. But, "There ya go."

There ya go,

J