If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor

I never wanted to be an actor. In junior high school, and high school, you could most expediently find me on the basketball court, tennis court, the weight room, or the track. I actually thought that my 5'6", 130 lbs, black ass could play any professional sport. Obviously, I was delusional. After reality caught up with my athletic ambition I went back to the arts, joining show choir, theatre, and other artsy-fartsy stuff that would never earn a paycheck. That's when I remembered that English, Spanish, and Physics were the only classes I ever enjoyed. (I should have been a writer on Star Trek.)

So in college, I decided I wanted to be a writer. Clearly, I meant, "I like writing, I'm going into the service industry." I'm an unemployed bartender now. But I like to write fiction in my head, for instance, "If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor". So, since barely anyone is gonna read this anyway, and a good friend, chasing his dream, is in town from California, I thought I'd share my thoughts on "If I Ever Wanted to Be An Actor". Keep in mind, I'd rather be a writer than an actor, and I have no desire to be an actor. But, if I did, the following are 13 famous roles that would be absolutely perfect for me.

In no particular order:

-Jules Winnfield 

An angry, cursing, black dude? I can do that. "Say 'What' again, motherfucker."

-Willy Wonka

The Gene Wilder version, not the Depp version. The somersault at the the beginning, and the rant about Charlie cheating at the end. Both are very me.

-Daddy Warbucks

Long before the black version of Annie, I think I'd have given Jamie Foxx a run for his money. (I'm very arrogant.)

-Morpheus

Easy peasy. Hands behind my back, and use a deep version of my voice.

-Marty McFly

Skateboarding, wannabe rockstar. The only hard part would be re-casting every other character so that there are more black people. Or any black people (besides Mayor Wilson).

-Burton Guster

"Gus" from Psych had zero tolerance for white people nonsense. I could play that role by accident.

-Ironman

"Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist." All I need is more smarts, more money, more money, and more money.

-Chandler

A sarcastic, asshole. I can do that.

-Doc Holliday
Drink first, smart-ass comment second, fastest pistol in the west third. Sounds like me, if I had a gun.

-Dre Johnson

I have to remind some of my friends that I'm Black and Puerto Rican. No joke, one of my closest friends through jr. high and high school thought I was Mexican until college.

-The Scarecrow

I'd never be as good as Michael Jackson in 'TheWiz', but I bet my "If I Only Had a Brain" would merit a high school TONY award.

-Vizzini
My favorite movie, and the most obnoxious character ever. My wife can attest to this one.

-Henry Hill
Goodfellas, "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster." Thankfully, I know I'm not as smart as I think I am, and I'm not as stupid as Henry.

Honorable mention,
-Fred Sanford
Zero chill, zero filter, and prone to exaggeration.

What do you think? Can you think of any other characters I could portray? Comment below or text me.

Thanks for reading, and "If it wasn't for the Bronx this rap shit never would be going on."

-J