Monday, November 24, 2014


Here are some great ideas. Seriously, they're great.

First, let's group all black people together.  That way, we can grow together as a community. Don't forget about my son, he's only a quarter black.

Next, we need a cause. It doesn't matter what the cause is, because we're a community. Let's just pick one. Ok, I'll pick. Snow sucks. It should never snow again in Chicago. That's my new cause. It doesn't matter if it's a rational cause. It's mine. I chose it.

Oh, crap. It's snowing. 

Now that we have a cause and it's snowing anyway, I think we should get angry. We should vent on social media now. I express my anger on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, and via text message. You should do the same, community.

Our complaints have not been responded to in the last ten minutes. How dare they?

Since we've been ignored, I say we fight. We can start by cursing out people that have nothing to do with our issue. Next, I suggest we punch walls and kick things that, also, have nothing to do with anything. After that, I say we go outside. We can shoot guns into the sky. Or we can flip a car over. Or light something on fire. All of these things sound productive to me.

Oops. I got arrested for doing all of that. I don't know why the police have to pick on me, a half black man. I was just expressing my displeasure.

I honestly don't understand people that react to injustice by acting the fool. I don't know what happened with Darren Wilson and Michael Brown. I wasn't there. It was probably stupid behavior by both parties. But that's not the point. 

What does anyone gain from acts of violence? At best, the whole world pays more attention to Ferguson, MO. At worst, more people get hurt or possibly killed. The nation is watching. Racial tensions increase. An overly zealous cop shoots someone. An overly zealous protester shoots someone. All bad.

I get it. People are pissed off. Hell, i'm pissed off, if only because I thought this case merited a trial. But I'm not a grand jury, I don't get to make that decision. Shooting a pistol into the sky doesn't change that decision, nor does it give me the Klingon Rite of Vengeance. We are lucky enough to live in a country that (except for Obama) abides by it's rules. Just because we do not agree with a rule, or decision, does not mean we have a right to break other rules, or cause another person to be in danger.

Protest. March. Picket. Do your thing. But don't endanger lives. Especially, my son's. Do that, and I come after you with my sand wedge and a hammer. I'm a badass with them, except for hammering things, and golf. Be responsible.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Women of NCIS - Superlatives

Ok, before I hand out my superlatives, I think I should explain what they are. I stole this particular award from @JimmyFallon and #TheTonightShow. Superlative is an adjective that means, basically, to the highest degree. It's like a yearbook's "Most likely to..." Jimmy hands them out every week on The Tonight Show, as a joke, based on a photo, mostly of athletes and whichever picture they have representing them in their profiles. NCIS is my favorite show, of the 50-something. So, try and enjoy my NCIS chat.

I'm going to make these very much about me, and I doubt I'll do the superlatives jokes justice. But so what? You don't have to read it, and I'm not getting paid anyway.

My idea for superlatives, is the women currently on #NCIS programs. I chose it because all of them are badasses, and I think they're all hot. (Except for Hetty, she and I are a little out of our age ranges. Maybe.")

Keep in mind, this is only current NCIS actresses. (Because Ziva will always be the best.)

Abby Sciuto/ Pauley Perette - Most likely to kick my ass while I enjoy it.
I had a conversation with my old roommate when I started watching NCIS about whether Pauley was hot or not. I won.

Emily Wickersham/ Ellie Bishop - Most likely to have me curse out CBS when she leaves, or the show gets cancelled.
Smart like McGee, smart like Tony, smart like Gibbs, but not as brilliant as any of them. She's the next Jennifer Shepard (Director).

Meredith Brody/ Zoe McClellan - Most Likely to receive multiple marriage proposals from me.
JAG, NCIS, NCIS: New Orleans, Sliders, Star Trek: Voyager, Nowhere Man... I have probably already proposed a few times.

C.C.H Pounder/ Dr. Loretta Wade - Most likely to call "bullshit" anytime I opened my mouth. She'd be one thousand percent correct. And I'd shut my mouth, like, quick.

Linda Hunt/ Hetty - Most likely to tell me not to where a cape, and then tear it off, and put me in a black site, CIA, hole when I refused.
Yes, that's an NCIS:LA and Incredibles crossover. I love crossovers.

Kensi Blye/ Daniela Ruah - Most likely to give me a smart-ass comment, punch in the nuts, gun in your face, or all three.
Like, Deeks, I'd be afraid. But I'd love her forever.

Renee Felice Smith - Most likely to marry me because we have the same last name and traits.
Smart, gorgeous, can handle a gun, and a Smith. God says yes.

NCIS is my favorite television franchise, and it's earned it. If you disagree with my opinions, email me. I'd love to discuss it In the meantime, I'll just assume I'm right.

Thanks for reading. I have a long night of my idiot neighbor waking up my kid, and my dog, so I have to get to it. Seeya later.


Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Force Awakens

I guess Star Wars is kind of a big deal to me. When I was four or five, I lied to our babysitter. I told her, "Of course I'm allowed to watch it. I've seen it lots of times." In fact, I was not allowed to watch it. A smart kid wouldn't have mentioned it to his parents. I was smart, but I was/is also a fanboy. I liked it so much that the moment my parents walked through the door, I started blabbing about how amazing it was and how much I wanted to watch The Empire Strikes Back. Thankfully, I didn't get in trouble. (Probably, because my Dad was/is also a fanboy.)

When The Phantom Menace trailer came out I saw two movies, just to see it. The Waterboy was crap, but tolerable. Wing Commander is one of the worst movies of all time (I have a list). But I still went. Because I needed more Star Wars.

In 1999, when The Phantom Menace was released, I camped outside the theatre for about 36 hours. We didn't bother with tents, but we did have a TV and DVD player playing Episodes 4 through 6 the entire time.Even with all of the other lunatics there, I was the first person through the door, and the first in a seat. (A quick thanks to those friends that brought us food.) Oh, and then I saw it three more times.

My son's middle name is Jedi. No joke.

So yes, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, is a big deal to me.

Last week the official title was revealed. The Force Awakens. The title doesn't give away much, but it does suggest we'll get to see a new order of Jedi. In the post 'Return of the Jedi' novels Han Solo and Leia have kids that are strong in the force. I hope that's what this next trilogy is about.

But the more interesting rumors are about Luke and Han for the next movie.

Harrison Ford has for a long time said that he wants Han Solo to get killed off. I don't much like it, but I guess if the actor doesn't want to do it anymore, better to kill his character than have him half-ass it and ruin a potentially great movie. I hope if he does die, he goes off as a hero. Maybe like when he took the Millennium Falcon to the Death Star to help Luke. Only this time, he saves the day, but dies a martyr. Or maybe he could take a bullet for Chewie and die. That would also be a grand exit.

The other rumor I've read and heard, is that Luke Skywalker goes insane.I don't know how to feel about that. We've seen evil Jedi/Sith, and we've seen deluded. A completely mad Jedi would be a whole new and fun thing. Is he mad like killing people? Is he mad like a vigilante gone wrong? Is he mad like go find a Dagobah-like swamp and become a hermit? I don't know, but that could be a very interesting twist in the story.

I'm excited. Disney and Lucasfilm are being very tight lipped. But I can count on a few things. Jar Jar Binks is long dead. So, no Jar Jar. Hayden Christensen won't be whining about Obi Wan picking on him. Luke will not be a pussy. "But I was going into the Tosche station to pick up some power converters." Lastly, we will NOT see Ewoks kick stormtroopers' asses with literally, sticks and stones.

I don't think I'll be able to camp out this time, with a one-year-old, but who wants to go see it with me?

May the Force Be With You

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Being a Man

Do you know what a pain in the ass it to be a man? 

Being a man means you put your feelings aside. Being a man means taking care of the most important things in your life. Being a man means you're not even on a list of important things. Hell, my dog is more important than my life, and she's not even human. I struggle with this. I'm selfish. I like to think I'm the center of the universe, and sometimes I act like it. But I'm not, and no form of self delusion could convince me otherwise.

I'm a great dad. And I'm a great #stayathomedad. But there are days when I'd trade my son for a bucket of baseballs and a six pack of beer.You know those days. He won't stop crying. He wiped shit everywhere.He hid something you want/need in a hard to reach place. But I also realize it's not his fault. He's a child. And he's my child. I love him. I would do anything for him (especially if it makes him stop crying). Putting up with a child's nonsense, makes you a man.

My wife is the most gorgeous, intelligent, motivated woman I have ever known. Sometimes, though, she can be can be batshit crazy.It's usually my fault. Even when it isn't, I think about everything she does for me, and will do for me. How do you acknowledge someone crazy that puts up with your crazy? As my wife will attest, I haven't figured it out yet. In the mean time, I thank her, tell her I love her, and try to be less crazy (like that's going to happen). And that, I think, makes you a man.

My idiot dog begs to go outside, and then just sits on the porch barking at nothing. She demands attention, and then wants nothing to do with anyone. She wants her food, but doesn't want to eat it. She and my son are best friends, but they oftentimes want nothing to do with each other. Figuring out this garbage, makes you a man.

It can be tough. Sometimes, seemingly impossible.But learning is part of the process, and it makes me a man.