Thursday, June 1, 2017

Home Ownership and Stay-At-Home-Dad

Wow, is this different.

Being a stay-at-home-dad is a special experience. As a new homeowner it goes to an entirely different level. As a home dad in an apartment, I had to make sure the kid was fed, and couldn't find a way to kill himself in a two bedroom apartment. In a new house, we, he, and the stupid-ass dog have a lot more ways to "fuck shit up".

1. We had to flip, and replace some doorknobs. We had to put chains and clamps on the doors, cupboards, and fridge. We got a home security system. Part of it was to keep people out, most was to keep the child and dog in.

2. It's like a Stepford Wives community the way they care for their lawns. Mowing, edging, and watering at least twice per week. This week neighbor said, "Don't worry. The patches where you planted seed will grow in. And te you did a good job trimming the bushees with shears." (We haven't gotten an electric hedge clipper yet.)

3. When the toddler and puppy get too quiet, I have to check 3 floors, 2 yards and a garage to see what the hell damage they might be doing.

4. I hate people and now have to get used to new people, neighbors.

5. Kid doesn't want to sleep in his bed anymore.

6. Kid and dog no longer know how to piss or shit where they're supposed to.

7. Every solicitor comes here first, because they know we are the new homeowners.

8. 80% of our neighbors are asshats.

9. Kate's commute is over an hour.

10. 5 blocks from the airport.

Now the best parts of being a new homeowner.

1. 5 blocks from the airport.

2. Almost all of our neighbors are cops, firefighters, and teachers.

3. The lawns are immaculate.

4. Lots more space to ignore, and be ignored by a toddler.

5. Friends and family are more willing to visit.

6. More space if we ever want to have people over.

7. More tv's.

8. No one has been shot lately in this neighborhood.

9. Laundry.

10. I feel like a grown-up.

These aren't the only positives or negatives of owning our new home. Just the first that popped into my head. Maybe I'll think of more, but I haven't posted in a long time. Maybe this will help me to write more often and more eloquently. Maybe not.

Until the future,

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