Friday, January 6, 2017

Bathroom Cleaning

Thanks for welcoming the future, and remembering the past.

When I was growing up, me, my sister, and my brother had specific weekly chores. These were in addition to whatever we were also told to do. My sis had to dust and vacuum. I don't remember what my brother was in charge of. Part of me thinks he never did anything. He either was/is so stupid he couldn't be trusted to do anything, or he was/is an evil genius and figured out how to make it seem like he did something that he didn't. Jury isn't out on it yet. My weekly chore was to clean the bathrooms.

I know how to clean a bathroom. When I do it, I do it well, and beyond reproach. You could eat off the floor if it weren't for the cleaning chemicals. But bathroom cleaning has changed. Now, I'm a married man, with a three year old, and puppy. The reasons why I hate cleaning the bathroom are many.

1) We have a three year old son.
-It always smells like shit. Poopy pull-up diapers, soiled pants, shit accidentally spilled out of his pull-up, and a toddler trying to clean his training potty in the sink means you always have to worry about eye bleeding, vomit inducing smells that never should exist.
-You could break your neck stepping on a bath toy. The days of taking a piss in the middle of the night are over. Have to be clear eyed to navigate darkness without breaking your neck on 'Lightening McQueen'.
-Random and absurd messes. Yesterday I cleaned finger paint off the door and sink. After every bath there is bath crayon everywhere.
-My razor is in the sink. I don't know how but it's there.
-An entire roll of toilet paper has clogged the toilet. Again, don't know how, or why.

2) I live with a woman.
-How are they not bald with the amount of hair that ends up in the tub, drain, sink and on the walls?
-Why do splashes of makeup end up in every room of the house? Choose a room, and take care of you business there.
-There's a glass in the medicine cabinet for hair pins. Why do I find pins on the floor, in my slippers, on the porch and in the car?

3)Puppy
-Shred paper like it's your job, it's your food, or the antidote is in it.
-Sniff out poop and try to eat it. I actually fell out of bed the other night because I had a dream she jumped into the toilet to eat poop.
-Stupid dog can't figure out if I'm cleaning, pooping, or getting ready to give her a bath. She just dances back and forth, in and out of the bathroom. If I'm cleaning she's not interested. If there's defecation she wants to watch, like a creep. If it's time for a bath, she hides.

So, needless to say, cleaning the bathroom is no longer something I find a quick and easy chore. I'd almost prefer shoveling snow. Almost.

Thanks for reading a rant. I'll talk to you soon. Maybe after I buy a house and shotgun.

-J

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