Sunday, February 22, 2015


This one goes out to all of us in the 'Millenial' generation. (I think it's a stupid term.) Specifically, those that have a toddler, have a child that will soon be a toddler, and those that are preparing or want to have a child. (Good luck with that. And I mean that, in the kindest, most supportive manner.)

Yesterday was an extremely long day for my 14-month-old son. We left the house around 10:30am. He and I went to my brother's house, with his five kids, while my wife went to a wedding shower. (Men, if you haven't ever been to a wedding shower, don't. They're awful.) The only way to describe being at my brother's house, with their revolving door of cousins and friends, is to say, "You're in the eye of the tornado." Even if you can keep your sanity, children swirl around you as the hand of an angry god. When you leave, you're exhausted. And, you can't even explain why you're exhausted. You just know something wasn't right.

I can't say anything about the bridal shower because I wasn't there, but I'm sure it was awful. For men, they're always awful.

Next we headed to one of my best friend's place for a baby shower for his incoming son. This easily could have been awful, but it wasn't. He planned a poker game in his 'mancave'. So while my wife and other friends chased babies and played girlie games, we just played cards.

Next, we went to dinner at my old place of employment. I swear, I didn't ask or expect a damn thing. But our bill was 5 bucks, for steaks, Ahi tuna, and a few drinks. Score!

Over the course of the day, all of this happened. The only naps my one-year-old took were in the car, for about 15 minutes apiece. It was great. You pay for it the next day.

An over-tired child does not like you, does not care if you are also tired, and especially, doesn't want to take naps. The following is a list of things that absolutely DO NOT WORK, when trying to put an over-tired child down for a nap.

-"Shhhh" You may as well be saying, "Scream at me".
-"It's ok." It's not ok. Shut the hell up, parent.
-"I'll see you when you wake up." I don't want to see you, I hate you.
-"What's wrong, baby?" You're wrong, I'm wrong, the whole fucking world is wrong.
-"Do you want your Mama/other parental figure?" No. I hate them like I hate you.

It's a completely unique lose/lose/lose situation. Your choices are to stand there like an idiot, to no avail. You can let the kid run amok screaming and crying all over the place. You can hide in a different room until the neighbors call DCFS. No matter what you do, you're screwed. I'm considering a shot of bourbon, but my wife isn't a fan.

All of that said, I have to quote my father, "Children are a gift from God." Also, I love my son. I would never actually give him alcohol, and no matter how much he angers me or his mother, we will always proudly, angrily, coax him to sleep, and put his well-being over our own. So don't call the cops on us.

So, go ahead, rookies. Kids are awesome, and you have no idea how much joy they will bring to your life But they will also make you a crazy person.

Forget about his controversy for a minute. This Cosby clip is just funny, accurate, and relevant.


  1. I can feel how much your love your son through your words.

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