Shit Dads Say

I never thought I'd be a stay at home dad, let alone a stay at home dad that Mommy could say something like, "Do you want me to get your father involved?" And the boy hides. And yet, I find myself saying all kind of cliché, sitcom phrases. When I was around 8, I told my dad I hated him. He laughed at me. Now, I'd like to share some of the hilarious things that shoot out of my stupid mouth, towards my son, wife, dog, and random others. I laughed a lot as I wrote in my journal.

At my Dog,
-I swear to God, I'll put you on Ebay if you don't stop it.
-Why don't you go get a damn job? Sniff for drugs at the airport. Lead a blind man. Join the K9 unit.
-You know, they shot 'Old Yeller' at the end, right?
-Stop barking. No one likes you.

At my son,
-Pull up your pants. This is not a rap video.
-No. Mommy quit. You're under my jurisdiction now.
-"THAT'S MINE!" Nope. Mom and I own everything. You have NOTHING.
-You can eat what I gave you, or starve. I don't really care right now.
-Cry all you want. I'm immune.
-Cry all you want, all I hear is "I need a nap".
-Keep messing with the dog. Don't come crying to me when she bites you.

At my wife,
-Sorry, babe. I was joking, you just don't have a sense of humor.
-Wife asked me for a tissue. I tossed her a used tissue from my pocket. I laughed hysterically. She didn't laugh.

I also have a list of things I say to a combination of people, and some things I say under my breath.

At my wife, son, and dog,
-If I have to stand up right now, NO ONE WILL BE HAPPY.

-Children are a gift from God, my ass! (My Dad always says children are a gift from God.)
-I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.
-Have you lost your damned mind?

Lastly, a phrase I use regarding my wife, my son, my dog, and Donald Trump.
"Repeating yourself over, and over, and over again will not make your statements true."

Good luck, my friends. My 2017 be less crappy than 2016. Alpha Mike Foxtrot.