Sunday, February 22, 2015


This one goes out to all of us in the 'Millenial' generation. (I think it's a stupid term.) Specifically, those that have a toddler, have a child that will soon be a toddler, and those that are preparing or want to have a child. (Good luck with that. And I mean that, in the kindest, most supportive manner.)

Yesterday was an extremely long day for my 14-month-old son. We left the house around 10:30am. He and I went to my brother's house, with his five kids, while my wife went to a wedding shower. (Men, if you haven't ever been to a wedding shower, don't. They're awful.) The only way to describe being at my brother's house, with their revolving door of cousins and friends, is to say, "You're in the eye of the tornado." Even if you can keep your sanity, children swirl around you as the hand of an angry god. When you leave, you're exhausted. And, you can't even explain why you're exhausted. You just know something wasn't right.

I can't say anything about the bridal shower because I wasn't there, but I'm sure it was awful. For men, they're always awful.

Next we headed to one of my best friend's place for a baby shower for his incoming son. This easily could have been awful, but it wasn't. He planned a poker game in his 'mancave'. So while my wife and other friends chased babies and played girlie games, we just played cards.

Next, we went to dinner at my old place of employment. I swear, I didn't ask or expect a damn thing. But our bill was 5 bucks, for steaks, Ahi tuna, and a few drinks. Score!

Over the course of the day, all of this happened. The only naps my one-year-old took were in the car, for about 15 minutes apiece. It was great. You pay for it the next day.

An over-tired child does not like you, does not care if you are also tired, and especially, doesn't want to take naps. The following is a list of things that absolutely DO NOT WORK, when trying to put an over-tired child down for a nap.

-"Shhhh" You may as well be saying, "Scream at me".
-"It's ok." It's not ok. Shut the hell up, parent.
-"I'll see you when you wake up." I don't want to see you, I hate you.
-"What's wrong, baby?" You're wrong, I'm wrong, the whole fucking world is wrong.
-"Do you want your Mama/other parental figure?" No. I hate them like I hate you.

It's a completely unique lose/lose/lose situation. Your choices are to stand there like an idiot, to no avail. You can let the kid run amok screaming and crying all over the place. You can hide in a different room until the neighbors call DCFS. No matter what you do, you're screwed. I'm considering a shot of bourbon, but my wife isn't a fan.

All of that said, I have to quote my father, "Children are a gift from God." Also, I love my son. I would never actually give him alcohol, and no matter how much he angers me or his mother, we will always proudly, angrily, coax him to sleep, and put his well-being over our own. So don't call the cops on us.

So, go ahead, rookies. Kids are awesome, and you have no idea how much joy they will bring to your life But they will also make you a crazy person.

Forget about his controversy for a minute. This Cosby clip is just funny, accurate, and relevant.

Monday, February 16, 2015

How I Met My Baby's Mama

Truth be told, I tricked her.

This is a tough one to write. There are so many random details to consider. And, honestly, I didn't really know what the hell was going on. I knew that I liked this girl, and she liked me. Her name is Katie.That's it.

We first met when a mutual friend came to see me while I was bartending at Outback. We'll call her Sarah.Oddly, I met her because she was a mutual friend with my ex. We'll call the ex Lisa.

Katie and Sarah came to visit me at work shortly before Sarah's birthday and right during a great Chicago blizzard. Despite not being a gambler, or a card player, Sarah chose the casino for her birthday party. I got Katie's number.

So I called her. We were both going to the same place, so why not? And here's the trick. She was driving and had a car. I was not driving, and did not have a car. I'm not sure if she offered, or I asked, but I definitely said, "If you pick me up, does that mean it's our first date?" I think she just said, "Whatever."

That night was awesome. It was supposed to be about Sarah, but all I remember was Katie holding my hand, and wandering around the casino with me.I definitely never thought I was gonna meet the woman of my dreams that night. But, I did.

The next day, I asked her out for real, she said yes, and we went out for lunch. (I hate Olive Garden), but that's where we went.Our server was shocked that we weren't going to sit for hours and eat soup and salad. That evening she came back to Outback to see me and "Have a drink". You can ask my old co-workers to this day. They remember me pointing at Kate, and saying, "That's the girl." I knew immediately 'Katherine Ruth' was the woman for me.

I never truly had reservations about her, except for once. I called Sarah to tell her that Kate was too perfect for me. I was worried we might kill each other. Just this week, I learned, that Kate also called Sarah, saying the same thing.

The two best things in my life came from this. Katherine Ruth Smith, and Isaiah Jedi Smith. I can't imagine my life without them, and I prefer not to.

I can't wait for the next fifty years, so I have SO many more stories to tell.


Monday, February 9, 2015

The Grammy's, and My 5 favorite Heroes and Villains

I wasn't planning on watching the Grammy's. Because, mostly I don't care. But, for lack of anything better to do I put it on, and couldn't turn it off.

I've also been working on my list of favorite heroes and villains for a while. I can't say that my list won't change, but for now, this is all I got.

This may be a long, rambling blog post, but that's kind of how I roll. On the short side, you can read my random thoughts on the Grammys. The long side is going to be my favorite heroes and villains, each with two substitutes. For that one, I'll try and keep pictures, videos, and links to a minimum.

The Grammys
-Don't tell my wife, but if Taylor Swift wanted to date me, I'd say yes in a hot minute.
-Sam Smith won Record of the Year after settling with Tom Petty Petty for 12.5 percent of the royalties from 'Stay With Me'. What is 12.5 percent of a Grammy?
-LLCoolJ hosted, Pauly Perette presented, and I'd much rather watch them both on NCIS/NCISLA.
-I didn't really care for her flashy red dress, but Gwyneth Paltrow always looks amazing.
-There needs to be an industry-wide moratorium on artists performing with Sir Paul McCartney. I like Kanye and Rihanna, but they have no business on stage with a Beatle. He's a knight.
-Common and John Legend was awesome. Thanks for representing The Windy City.
-When I die at the age of 127, I'd like John Legend to sing at my funeral, if he's still alive.

My favorite heroes and villains was tough. Keeping my list to only five and two alternates was hard enough. Ranking them was never going to happen. So here are my lists of favorite heroes and villains, in no particular order, from movies, television, history, and general mythology.

5 Favorite Heroes

-William Wallace - "If he were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightening from his arse."

-James T. Kirk - Not only was he a handsome devil, he was an amazing captain, and a bad-ass.

-Batman - The consummate detective that never learned the defintion of 'boundaries'. "Tell your friends about me."

-The Last Centurion (Rory Pond) - "I have a message and a question..." Rory wasn't fucking around.

-Luke Skywalker - The baddest bounty hunter in the galaxy has absolutely no chance against the Return of the Jedi.

My honorable mentions (alternates) are Bruce Lee, and IronMan. If you don't know who Bruce Lee is, you can Google any video, and he's kicking like 20 people's asses. If you don't know who IronMan is, stop reading my blog right now, and never contact me again.

5 Favorite Villains

This list was harder. All of  these villains overlapped a bunch of different shows, movies, and fandoms. Just to mix it up, I'll give you my alternates (honorable mentions) first.

Emperor Palpatine is one of the most evil sons of bitches ever. Along with him, is Lord Voldemort. I can't put them in my top five, only because they are too basic. No redeeming qualities, whatsoever. Everyone (mostly) else on my list is more of a complex kind of bad guy.

-Keyser Soze- From The Usual Suspects, he's the kind of bad guy that you don't know is a bad guy until you're already screwed. No one catches this kind of prick.

-The Joker - Depending on what you're watching, or reading he doesn't even have a back story. He's just bad/evil. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

-Khan Noonien Singh - The definition of evil genius. Genetically engineered to be the perfect soldier, he came back to bite humanity in the ass

-Professor James Moriarty - Thanks, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. You created one of the best detectives, and villains of all time in 1893. He's still a pain in the ass in modern pop culture.

-Lex Luthor - Lex is an obvious top villain. He's rich, powerful, smart, and ruthless. Thankfully, he's up against Superman. It'll be interesting to see how Jesse Eisenberg ranks among so many great depictions of Lex in the upcoming film.

Now, typically, I try to ramble out a blog post in about 30-45 minutes. This one took longer because I had to find the links and images I wanted to use. After 2 hours of "work", right before I was going to post, the internet went out. Thanks, AT&T. It was the middle of the night, and I wasn't going to wait. So, I went to bed, planning to send it in the morning. Wouldn't you know it, my computer froze. Wisely, I saved it as a draft, so all wasn't lost. What I'm trying to say is, this post cost a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. So read it twice. Click on every link. Tell your friends to read it. Twice. Thank you, in advance.


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

The Interview - Part II

Ok, fine. I didn't totally hate it. In fact, I kind of liked it. I can now see why Kim Jong-un may have not cared for it. It was probably the part where he died at the end. Or the part where Seth Rogen and the bad guys were biting off each others' fingers. That was a little absurd. We #tvjunkies call it 'Jumping the Shark'.

But I got through it. It took a few tries, but I did it.

This movie, however, made me want to make some more lists. This time, I'm writing 3 of them.
The Five Best Lines in 'The Interview'
My Least Favorite Actors (Actresses)
Five Movies I Like James Franco was in

Starting at the bottom, in no particular order.

Five Movies That I Like James Franco was in
Sorry, I couldn't come up with five titles I liked him in. I dislike him that much.
1. Spiderman (the first one, only)
2. This is the End
3. Rise of the Planet of the Apes
4. Oz the Great and Powerful

I'm not saying any of those are good movies, but it's the four I like.

The five Best Lines in 'The Interview'
Again, this was not a great movie, but not a terrible one. Lizzy Caplan and Seth Rogen stole every scene they were in.

1. "We don't have a better plan. You're gonna have to stick it in your ass." -Caplan
2. "It's all yours, fuckers!" (Seth Rogen with his penis flapping in the wind) -Rogen
3. "Do not fight the tiger. You will lose. Do not run for it, you will die." -Caplan
4. "If liking Katy Perry and drinking margaritas is gay, then who wants to be straight?" -Franco
5. "I will cap you!" -Rogen (Funny because Seth is so 'gangsta')

Lastly, is my five least favorite actors/actresses, with two honorable (least honorable) mentions. I was going to put the movie I hate most in parenthesis next to their name, but I hate them all so much, I couldn't choose. Also, I hate them so much, I needed honorable mentions. These are in no particular order, as well.

My Least Actors/Actresses
1. James Franco - (What a douchebag.)
2. Tom Cruise - (What a douchebag.)
3. Ashton Kutcher - (Such an enormous douchebag, I couldn't bring myself to program his name into Microsoft.)
4. Russel Brand - (Pretentious douchebag.)
5. Nicole Kidman - (Lady douchebag, previously married to douchebag mentioned above.)

Honorable Mentions
Angelina Jolie - (Way too creepy with her brother when I'd first heard of her.)
Nicolas Cage - (Made some of the worst movies ever. EVER.)

So, there you have it. If my opinion matters to you at all, (and it doesn't have to), James Franco sucks, 'The Interview' isn't that bad, and avoid movies starring aforementioned actor/actresses at all costs.

Later, taters.